We are a result driven society. Places of employment, voters, consumers, and within the medical field, look at results as being the measuring stick of success. There are many businesses and government agencies whose sole function is to gauge results of an industry or product. This is the nature of our culture. In addressing issues between two individuals, it is counterproductive if we rely too much on results for measuring success. Obviously we want our efforts to pay off and reach a successful outcome. The challenge is that there are too many variables in place to solely rely on this as a true measuring stick of our efforts.
Examples that come to mind are relationships. When a husband or wife believes their efforts in repairing a relationship are measured by them staying married, this leads to problems. If the husband or wife is involved with someone else, has already checked out of the marriage, or has a drug, alcohol, or mental health problem that impacts on them, the likelihood of them remaining married will be limited. The person is depending on the other person acting on good faith and being of sound mind. In this scenario, and others like it, the outcome will not be to their satisfaction.
This also applies to other areas aside from marriage. An individual I counseled left his place of employment he was at for several years. He left on great terms and kept in touch with his supervisor after he left. After a time, his former supervisor offered him a position back at the company. This included a considerable raise and other perks. He talked it over with his wife, family and friends as well as the head of the company and decided to take the position. As time passed, the company reneged on its promises creating an uncomfortable working environment. The person left the company with bad feelings. The decision he made did not provide for good results but the process he went about making the decision was healthy. Unfortunately, the outcome of the decision was depending on other party’s good faith and abilities.
Instead of completely relying on results, access the process and effort you are putting in. Objectively evaluate what you can do differently. Accept your limitations of being human. Understand you are not able to control others and their decision making process. This will allow you to feel less guilty and free to make healthy choices. The recognition of your limitations in resolving the problem, will free up emotional energy to focus on decision making or maintenance.
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