Process versus Results

We are a result driven society. Places of employment, voters, consumers, and within the medical field, look at results as being the measuring stick of success. There are many businesses and government agencies whose sole function is to gauge results of an industry or product. This is the nature of our culture. In addressing issues between two individuals, it is counterproductive if we rely too much on results for measuring success. Obviously we want our efforts to pay off and reach a successful outcome. The challenge is that there are too many variables in place to solely rely on this as a true measuring stick of our efforts. Examples that come to mind are relationships. When a husband or wife believes their efforts in repairing a relationship are measured by them staying married, this leads to problems. If the husband or wife is involved with someone else, has already checked out of the marriage, or has a drug, alcohol, or mental health problem that impacts on them, the likelihood of them remaining married will be limited. The person is depending on the other person acting on good faith and being of sound mind. In this scenario, and others like it, the outcome will not be to their satisfaction. This also applies to other areas aside from marriage. An individual I counseled left his place of employment he was at for several years. He left on great terms and kept in touch with his supervisor after he left. After a time, his former supervisor offered him a position back at the company. This included a considerable raise and other perks. He talked it over with his wife, family and friends as well as the head of the company and decided to take the position. As time passed, the company reneged on its promises creating an uncomfortable working environment. The person left the company with bad feelings. The decision he made did not provide for good results but the process he went about making the decision was healthy. Unfortunately, the outcome of the decision was depending on other party’s good faith and abilities. Instead of completely relying on results, access the process and effort you are putting in. Objectively evaluate what you can do differently. Accept your limitations of being human. Understand you are not able to control others and their decision making process. This will allow you to feel less guilty and free to make healthy choices. The recognition of your limitations in resolving the problem, will free up emotional energy to focus on decision making or maintenance.

Mark Myers Expert Answer to: When is Worrying a Productive Activity?

Mark Myers Expert Answer to: When is Worrying a Productive Activity?

Decision Making

Decision Making

Unavoidably  we are faced with major obstacles in life.  These obstacles could take form in relationships, employment, or other areas. Decisions need to be made regarding what course of action needs to be taken. We invest a great deal of time and energy in trying to make these situations fit the conclusion we want them to.  The end result that we desire may not be realistic or achievable. The investment in time and energy in cases such as this, could be better used in working towards a different focus.  Below are three choices we have in addressing these obstacles.  It is important that you understand  these three options are choices you have.  Which one you choose is ultimately your decision.  Realizing that there is more than one option is helpful for most people who feel “stuck”.

Change:   The situation in which you currently find yourself is uncomfortable and you desire to change it. There is some ability to alter the situation.  The party(s) involved are willing to negotiate or compromise a solution to the problem. This does not mean that other party has to do all of the changing. It just means that there is a possibility of change.  Situations that would fall under this would include: a spouse that would be willing to cut back or eliminate his\her drinking, a supervisor who may be willing to adjust his\her attitude towards you, or a family member who would be willing to stop being critical. Your time and energy is invested towards changing the situation so it can be more tolerable.  Compromise is included in this area
.
Adjust:   The situation in which you currently find yourself in could not be modified. The individual or situation involved  is not open or willing to change.  You accept the limitations of the obstacle and choose to direct your time and energy into adjusting to an uncomfortable and unchangeable situation.  The adjustment comes in knowing you can’t change the situation and accept your limitations.  This also means that for whatever reasons, you are choosing not to leave.  These reasons could be based on financial, emotional, or other reasons.  This does not mean you condone what is going on but just accept you can’t change it nor are you ready to leave.  Situations that would fall under this include: a spouse who most likely will  not stop drinking, an inflexible supervisor or work situation, or a family member who refused to stop being critical.  By choosing to focus in on this area , you have decided that you can endure this situation and you are not compromising your values.

Leave: The situation in which you currently find yourself in is unacceptable.  You realize that by staying in this situation, it is going to be too uncomfortable for you.  The situation will most likely not change and it would be too difficult for you to stay. Your energy is best utilized towards a transition and leaving rather than adjusting or trying to change it.  Examples include: a boyfriend\girlfriend that is physically abusive or a job that has no future.

Remember, there are always choices. There may not be a lot or the greatest choices, but they are choices nonetheless.